The Guilty One

Was i the Guilty One?

Last night, a friend sent me a video and ask to watch during my free time. As it was late, I took her words to watch it in the morning. Right after I drop off my kids to school, I was getting out with flashing signal because the cars in line were quite long, I waited for my chance to turn around going home. First, second, third car were not giving way but the fourth one stayed behind to allow me to turn and I did with a wave of thank you as our eyes met. It was that good feeling of being considered as someone who needs to just get out of the way and return home. On my way home, a car was waiting for their turn to turn and I signal “Go ahead” and it feels good to be able to return the favor to someone else. Life is indeed about consideration.

As I parked my car, my mind was set to watch the video. I was excited for no reason. Well, I always enjoy anything about God so maybe that’s it. Immediately, after I settled on my chair I turned on the video to watch. It was about a host found by a woman and the story goes like this as told in the video:

One of the most important teaching of The Catholic Church is one of the most difficult teachings we are asked; to believe that Jesus is really physically present in the bread and wine consecrated by the priest during the holy mass.

In fact, even some priests through the ages have struggled with this Catholic belief, that God recognizes. And that many of us need help; to believe and from time to time has provided for us clear proof miracles to help us with our faith in the real presence of His Son in the Eucharist. Some of these miracles have happened long ago. Some have happened in recent times. One of these is a Eucharistic miracle that took place in 1996 in a church in Buenos Aires, Argentina, in the diocese of Auxiliary Bishop Jorge Mario Bergoglio who would become our current Pope Francis.

This is what happened:

At 7 o’clock in the evening August 18, 1996, Fr Alejandro Pezet was saying holy mass at St. Mary’s Catholic Church in the center of Buenos Aires. As he was finishing distributing holy Communion, a woman came up to tell him that she had found a discarded host at the back of the church. Someone has dropped it and had not wished to consume the dirty host.

Fr. Alejandro went and retrieve the unconsumed Eucharist as is the practice in the situations he placed it in a container of water and put it away in the tabernacle to sit so that it could dissolve. Fr. Alejandro knew that in several days, the Eucharist would dissolve and he would be able to respectfully dispose of it by watering the plant with the water.

On Monday, August 26 upon opening the tabernacle Pezet saw to his amazement that the host had not dissolve but rather it turned into a bloody substance. He informed the Auxiliary Bishop Jorge Bergoglio with the instructions that the host be professionally photographed. The photos were taken on September 6. It clearly shows that the host which have become a fragment of bloody flesh, have grown significantly in size. For several years, the host remained in the tabernacle, the whole affair, being kept a strict secret. Since the host suffered no visible decomposition, the now Archbishop Bergoglio decided to have it scientifically analyzed. On October 5th, 1999, in the presence of the Archbishop’s representatives, Professor Dr. Ricardo Castañon, a Neuro-psycho Physiologist was given permission to take a sample of the bloody fragment for testing and he brought it to New York for analysis. Since he did not wish to prejudice the study, he purposely did not inform the team of scientists of where the sample came from.

One of these scientists was Dr. Frederick Zugibe, the well-known cardiologist and forensic pathologist. Zugibe determined that the analyzed substance was real flesh and blood containing human DNA. As he looked down at his microscope, he said I can tell you exactly what this is. This flesh is part of the muscle of the heart found in the wall of the left ventricle. It’s the muscle that gives the heart its beat and the body its life. I could see infiltrated through this tissue white blood cells and that tells me two things: that this heart was alive at the moment that the sample was taken because white blood cells die outside of living organisms. And also, this white blood cells go to address injury. So, this heart has suffered. This is the sort of thing I see in patients that have been beaten about the chest.  

Two Australians journalist Mike Willesee and lawyer Ron Tesoriero involved in the investigations also witnessed these tests. Knowing where the sample had come from, they were dumbfounded by Zugibe’s testimony. Mike Willesee asks the scientist how long the white blood cells would have remained alive if they had come from a piece of human tissue which have been kept in water.

“They would have seized to exist in a matter of minutes.” Dr Gizube replied.

The journalist then told the doctor that the source of the sample had first been kept in ordinary water for a month and then for another three years in a container of distilled water. Only then that the sample been taken for analysis. Dr Zugibe was at a loss to account for this fact.

“There was no way of explaining it scientifically.” he stated. Only then did Mike Willesee inform Dr. Zugibe that the analyzed sample came from a consecrated host, white, unleavened bread that had mysteriously turned into bloody human flesh.

Amazed by this information, Dr. Zugibe replied “How and why a consecrated host would change its character and become living human flesh and blood will remain an inexplicable mystery to science, a mystery totally beyond far competence. “Then Dr. Richard Castañon arranged to have a lab reports from the Buenos Aires miracle compared to the lab reports on a relic from a similar miracle that took place in Lanciano Italy over 1200 years ago. 

Again, without revealing the origin of the test samples.

The experts making the comparison concluded that the two lab reports must have originated from test samples obtained from the same person. They further reported that both samples revealed an AB positive blood type. They are all characteristics of the man who is born and lived in the middle east region.

How can the events of the miracle of Buenos Aires be explained? Only faith in the extraordinary action of a God provides the reasonable answer. Faith in a God who wants to make us aware that he is truly present in the mystery of the Eucharist. As a result of his investigation of this and other miracles, Dr. Ricardo Castañon, who is a staunch atheist much of his life converted to Catholicism. 

Whenever you receive communion, may the miracle of Buenos Aires help to remind you of the awesome miracle and sacrifice of Christ in the Eucharist. Allow him to nourish you with his presence.

The video ends with these words “One sees clearly only with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye.” - The Little Prince

It was a beautiful 8-minute video. While watching, I can’t help letting go of my tears. They are tears of guilt. I am thankful for my friend who shared this video since it is Holy Thursday and is the perfect time to watch. However, this video brings back the guilt I have been carrying since that day it happened years ago.  I am thankful and also in sorrow. Is this the proper way of how Holy Thursday will be experience? I asked myself. I have plan a quiet, peaceful and solemn holy week, no matter where I am. I have not plan to go somewhere but in my house and church. It is best to be in a comfortable place and peaceful during this reflection. Life has been a bit rough and all I wanted is peace. There are things I need to take care of but will set aside everything and focus on reflecting Christ's suffering during this Lenten season.

It’s been so many years, but guilt has a way of knocking it's way to remind me.  I still have guilt over one incident that happened to me 30 years ago.  I was young, naive and maybe proud, who knows? My godmother offered me a volunteer work as a catechist. I was only 16, going 17 perhaps. I did the training and immediately started teaching that year. I have 30 classes per week in a public school, each lasting 40 minutes. I was a kid teaching kids who are 10 years younger than me. Needless to say, there was a 10-year gap between a teacher and the students. It was also my first teaching experience.

Being new, I have this idea that I need to learn from the old timers. There is mass every week in the school and I would stay behind because I let the experienced catechist teachers go before me. I am a newbie, no experience and young. The classes were alright with me, being new, it doesn’t matter how big the class gets, a whopping 40-50 students in one class. This is my first year and there is nothing for me to compare. The kids were mostly from low income family since it is run by the government and free to those who want to learn but no means to pay for school tuition. At times, the kids have no proper clothes and no proper bath. The room sometimes smell like a bunch of sweat. But, I can stand it. Does a 16-year-old who is also struggling really care for perfumed room?  No. I see myself in those kids.

Every day, I meet different kids of different character and when the class is over, I would cross the street, visit the blessed sacrament to pour all my thoughts especially when I do not have the money to buy my lunch. God fills me up, at least spiritually.

One windy morning, after a strong rain two days ago, we were preparing for the morning mass when our director realized that most teachers were not able to make it to class today. After all, this is a voluntary work and sometimes, family matters or health can be a reason for absences.  With less teachers to help, everyone must be a lay minister to assist the priest as we serve thousands of students. Having more help also speed up the time needed to finish the mass which the school principal will be grateful, thinking the hours given to these kids to learn is not enough. The teachers do their best to teach as much knowledge but with cramp classroom, crowded at times that the class might have to be moved to the alley just to be able to conduct a class; time is of essence. It was noisy and so distracting for the learners but teachers got to do what needs to be done. At times, when there is a problem in one of the classrooms, classes are moved to any small area for kids to sit on the floor and listen to the teacher’s lesson for the day. The students sometimes arrived wearing slippers or maybe wears the same clothes for days and you know how that smell. At least, during mass, it’s held at the playground, very open.

Today is different. I was caught with no excuse to stay away from giving communion. I heard my name, followed by a command.  “Come and help give communion. We don’t have enough catechist today.” I obliged and felt the anxiety kicks in me instantly. I was a shy kid and this is the least of the things I want to do, being in front of so many people. I was okay to the idea of teaching in a class of 50 kids and was not even nervous even on the first day, I was a natural! Is there a difference I cannot explain to myself between a class of 50 kids compared to the whole school with other teachers helping or is it something else? I know, I am the guilty one.

And the mass begins at 7:45 a.m. as it normally happens. The kids were listening and the teachers were right close to their students. Since the mass is held in an open space, you can see what a beautiful it was. It was sunny and bright outside.

When it was time for communion, I get ready to go to the front and pick up one bowl and situated myself in line with the other catechists. There were only 3 of us and the priest. Think of how long it will take to finish giving communion to 2000 students. I understand very well and I am always ready to help. It’s just that something is bothering me, a struggle within me that I do not understand or my maturity is not up to it yet.

Staring ahead, I see the long line in front of me, waiting for their turn to receive the holy communion and I begin the journey, like an experienced lay minister, I pick a blessed host, raise it up, “Body of Christ.” I said. I heard a faint “Amen.”

It was going well when a strong windy rush suddenly came as I was picking another blessed host, just as I let go of the Eucharist to let it fall on the tongue of this beautiful innocent child in a ponytail, a strong wind pushes it away from where it's supposed to be, instead floats like a cotton ball and swirling a little bit, flipping a few times before it landed on a slow flowing water with bottom part that was as black as charcoal for it rained the other day. Dirt and debris collects at the bottom turning dark, while some water continue to flow gently.

My mind was in shocked! Speechless, I tried hard to gather my thoughts and make a grasp of what happened. In a few seconds, I was struggling between picking it up and eating it myself or letting it go and forget about it like it never happened. But, it is the Holy Eucharist and deserved so much respect, and it is the body of Christ! How can I not consider that?  I remember very well, my right hand floating in the air as cover, while my left hand holding a bowl of Eucharist, making sure to protect the rest of the Eucharist from being blown away by the wind that was blowing hard, some kids were holding their hair from flying everywhere. The innocent face in front of me locked eyes with me, the guilty one, with fear.

It feels like the whole world stopped for a moment; there was only me and the Eucharist.

With a few seconds to spare, I came too late. The gentle flow of water carried the Eucharist down to the drainage hole.  I was crushed! I pick up another Eucharist for the child in front of me to take and she move to her side as the next student in line approached to receive communion.

I continued on giving the Eucharist until there was none. The mass is over but it was not over for me.

Until this day, I would ask the same questions “Was it the wind or was I nervous that the host that I just pick to put on a child’s mouth was improperly handled? Was the timing wrong perhaps, that I was not ready to give communion?

Was my hand too shaky, it affected the whole purpose of giving communion? Was I mentally fit at that moment? So many questions I have in my mind even until after more than 30 years. Has it affected my life? Maybe or maybe not. Only God knows because my faith grows each day when I remember my sins.

Recalling as soon as it fell to the ground, I was contemplating whether to pick it up or not and I did not!  The struggle was real. I was struggling within, one part of my brain said to pick it up because it’s holy and must be respected. The other part of me was thinking about the water, dirty and filthy to the max.  How could I pick it up and put in my mouth?  My human existence is talking at this moment, struggling with God like thinking that very moment.  I was only 16 years old then and would like to use that as an excuse.  But Mary was 15 when she said “Fiat”.  Nobody sees my struggle but I’m sure God sees clearly.

That incident has one interesting point: My mind was not mature or knowledgeable enough to understand what it really means to be a catechist in the first place. I must learn more about God and continue to pray for wisdom or whatever is God’s plan for me.

After watching the video, I understood the severity of what I did, I cried with a sorrowful heart and asks forgiveness from our Lord God Almighty. I have made the decision to continue giving communion that day without picking up the host and I regret it, a guilty verdict.  It’s a decision that humbled me and forever carry the guilt. I am guilty in the eyes of my Lord.  It’s a one-time decision that will forever made me become who I am today. It bothers me, made me feel unfit to serve the Lord but it keeps my feet grounded. To be forever humble and believing God is a forgiving God is wonderful. It made me pass opportunities to serve as a lay minister but maybe God has other plans for me. And one day, I will be set free from guilt, by God's grace or so I hope.

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